Kalish believes that this can be traced back to a managers’ past experience with conflict.

"Many people grow up learning how to deal with conflict at home, school, and the workplace, which often teaches us some form of either fight or flight, Neither fight or flight really works when you're trying to have a challenging conversation. You want to be able to be centered and state your deep truth, and also listen to the other person’s deep truth."

Stepping Up to the Challenge

To help managers improve their skills in dealing with challenging conversations, Kalish and Zigarmi teach participants how to speak up without alienating the other person and how to listen even if they are "triggered" by what they are hearing.

The concepts are easily understandable explains Kalish. "But it is something that's challenging emotionally to practice and get beyond our learned mindset. There is a five-step model in our training about stating your concerns directly, probing for more information from the other person, engaging people by really listening with your full heart, attending to the body language, watching for cues, tuning in at a subtler level, and also keeping forward focused when that is appropriate."

One of the greatest skills managers walk away with from the program, according to Zigarmi, is how to listen well—to listen to themselves and their instincts about difficult situations and to the other person in order to really understand their point of view and perspective.

For managers willing to step up to the challenge, the results can be far-reaching including quicker resolution of performance issues, better work relationships, fewer grievances, reduced tension and fewer corporate crises.

In her work with organizations, Kalish has even seen positive results in more extreme situations where people were so upset with the workplace conflict that they were ready to sue their employer.

"They walk out of class knowing that there are many steps between where they are and bringing a lawsuit and that there is a lot that they can do to address the situation," she explains, "so people feel more empowered and more excited. We are living in really challenging times in many ways, and the more masterful we can be at challenging conversations the better our workplaces, our families, and our society will be."

While it can seem daunting at first, Kalish and Zigarmi believe that the alternative is far more daunting and that it is well worth learning how to effectively engage in challenging conversations.

"It's way less stressful to know that you have the skills to have a challenging conversation," concludes Kalish, "than it is to think that your only alternative is to be miserable, or to quit, stewing on all the negative responses."

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